Sons and their Fathers, Fathers and their Sons

A young man writes a letter to his dying father.

A father who raised him alone after his wife left him. A man stricken with mild autism, lost in his obsessive hobby of coin collecting, so much so, his son felt his only parent had not been much of a father figure.

A son filled with remorse at running away from the pain and separation he felt in his father’s presence, and now filled with guilt that had he been there at the moment of his father’s greatest weakness, the outcome for the dying man would have been better.

A father/son relationship that is by all accounts fractured, stilted and simmering with emotions and tension unspoken.

A young man who then chooses love over self-preservation, and spends the last few days of his father’s life by his side, finally handing to the dying man a letter he’d been writing on his journey to the hospital.

A father at the end of a difficult life. His gnarled fingers can’t grip the fragile paper, so his son reads it out to him. The poignant words relive the few and far between moments of closeness they shared – memories, laughter and the story of the first unique coin that begun the father’s hobby and remains the favourite of his entire collection.

Father and son finally connect in a deeply moving and tearful moment. The father dies soon after, and the son is left behind to follow his heart and honour his father’s legacy.

Panned by critics and criticised for its cliched framework, ‘Dear John’, (Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried, directed by Lasse Hallström) is a 2009 film, that, although filled with enough tear jerking scenes to satisfy the deepest, darkest cravings for a sob session, brings to life the dilemma of millions of men secretly struggling to work through their boyhood love for and often disappointment in their fathers.

Alienated from the love of a father either by divorce, illegitimacy or absenteeism due to their father prioritising anything and everything else over family, many men grow up longing for more emotional contact with a man.

The Western Culture has played a major part in the breakdown of relationship between sons and fathers.  Capitalism, greed and a shrinking sense of community means that a father’s legacy has passed on less and less to his sons – not just less in power but less in wisdom and love.

Masculinity has increasingly become less defined in terms of domestic involvement – that is, skills at fathering and husbanding – and more characterised in terms of making money.

Men are now primarily “Father the Provider” – bringing things home to the family rather than living and working at home within the family. This has led fathers to find other roles to fulfill when they visited home after working somewhere else: Father the Disciplinarian: “Wait till your father comes home!” and Father the Audience: “Tell Daddy what you did today.”

If a father’s functions are purely economic, then in his eye, his status is then measured by how well he provides.

The flip side is that the rich and economically powerful father becomes a potential tyrant; and the father who isn’t rich and famous, an inescapable failure, a disappointment, a buffoon.

In this regard, the father’s position in the family is no longer determined by how well he functions as a father, but is scored by his status in the eyes of the world, in a set of economic contests in which there are few men winning by being the richest of them all, and most men losing.

So the father moves out of family life and becomes part of the rat race, family values can easily cease to be his primary definers of himself. He adopts the values and job descriptions of the other workers and his work becomes work for the sake of work.

In the endeavors and identity dearest to his heart and heaviest on his schedule, he is a working man, and he may feel that his family should understand that their claims on his time came second best. In his mind, he has moved out. He’s gone to conquer the world.

Father Hunger

Life for most boys and men who grow up with ‘absent’ fathers, then becomes a frustrating search for the lost father who has not yet offered protection, nurturing, modeling, or, especially, anointment. All those tough guys who want to scare the world into seeing them as men and who fill up the jails; all whose men who don’t know how to be a man with a woman and who fill up the divorce courts; all those corporate raiders who want more in hopes that more will make them feel better; most of them suffer from Father Hunger.

They go through their adolescent rituals day after day for a lifetime, waiting for a father to anoint them and treat them as good enough to be considered a man.

They call attention to their pain; getting into trouble, getting hurt, doing things that are bad for them, as if they are calling for a father to come take them in hand and straighten them out or at least tell them how a grown man would handle the pain.

They compete with other boys who don’t get close enough to let them see their shame over not feeling like men, over not having been anointed, and so they don’t know that the other boys feel the same way.

In a scant 200 years – in some families in a scant two generations – we’ve gone from a toxic overdose of fathering to a fatal deficiency. It’s not that we have too much mother but too little father.

A new generation of fathers and sons

What goes on between the father and son – and what does not go on between them – is surely the most important determinant of whether the boy will become a man capable of giving life to others or whether he will go through life ashamed and pulling back from exposure to intimacy with men, women, and children.

It takes the fulfillment of all these relationships for a boy to become a man who is able to live in peace and cooperation with his community and to give something back to his family. Fathering makes a man – whatever his standing in the eyes of the world – feel strong and good and important, just as he makes his child feel loved and valued.

A father who gets to hang out with his children is reliving the joys of his own childhood. The play is the thing. Becoming Father the Nurturer rather than just Father the Provider enables a man to fully feet and express his humanity and masculinity. Fathering is the most masculine thing a man can do.

Will this new generation discover the healing power of fatherhood?  It does seem that many young men coming into manhood now are willing to risk being hands-on fathers in a way that was rare in past generations. Young men, for instance, are yearning for children, not just children to have but children to raise, and boys who got fathered want to be fathers, and boys who didn’t, fear it.

However, men can overcome their fear and commit to being great fathers.

Here are seven great ideas to help dads form a closer relationship with their kids:

1. Find something you have in common with your kids: Dads will relate a lot better with their kids if there is a shared interest. This can sometimes be tricky, as most men tend to relate better when being active and tend to teach through games. If sport is not something you have an interest in, than you need to find something that your child enjoys doing, and take an active interest in that. Let your child involve you in their hobbies or sporting activities.

2. Spend quality time with your sons: From the age of five, a boy thinks their dad is much like Superman or their favourite superhero, and so dads need to find the time to spend as much time with their sons as possible in these years, and not make each game a lesson or push them too hard.

3. Share the discipline: Dads are traditionally the ones that get to do all the fun play but they also tend to miss out when it comes to disciplining their children. Some dads are great at getting their kids excited before bedtime, and then expect their partner to settle them down. Both parents should take a more active part in disciplining their children’s behaviour as it’s not only the mother’s role.

4. Treat your daughters with respect: Daughters that have strong links with their dads tend to have a much healthier outlook. Dads should teach their daughters about how they should be treated by males and they should also treat their daughters with respect – value and compliment them, so they learn to expect this in their future relationships with men.

5. Learning to let go of your Superman persona: Most teenage boys will be programmed to challenge their dads, and it’s all part of their development and growing up phase. Most sons will take great pleasure in verbal jousting matches with their dads, where they delight in proving their dads fallibility. Dads at this stage need to maintain a sense of humour and a willingness to stand back and also allow other male mentors to come into their son’s life.

6. Be supportive of your wife/partner: Many dads play an important and integral part in their children’s lives, as well as a profound effect on the mothering that their children receive. A mother that can share the emotional and financial burdens of raising children with a supportive and understanding partner is more likely to be a loving and much stronger mother.

7. Adapt as your child changes: One day they’re children, and the next they’re teenagers. The most effective dads are those that can change their parenting style to suit their child’s developmental and growing stages. Fathers who lack confidence in their parenting skills, especially as their children become older should seek parenting advice and also become more involved in as many aspects of parenting as they can, as this allows them to actually learn through ongoing parenting.

And here’s how you can be a great son:

1. Visit your parents. Nothing says “I love you” more than spending time with someone. Parents spend their lives giving you their time. Be a good son and give some time back to them.

2. Help around at home. Pitch in with house and car repairs and the yard work. Your parents will be grateful when you offer to share in the hard work around the house. Come by to change the car oil, fill up the wiper fluid and wash the car.

3. Get a good education. Most parents dream of their child going out into the world with an education that can help them start a career.

4. Find a fulfilling career. Show your parents that you can support yourself. A good son can take care of himself and those he loves. Let your parents see the time and effort they spent raising you helped create a good person who can live independently.

5. Be kind to your siblings. Help them in any way your can. Parents want their children to get along. It’s comforting for them to know you will have each other after they are gone.

6. Remember anniversaries and birthdays. Call your parents on special days and visit when you can. Bring your children if you have any. Your parents will love having you and your family around.

7. Thank your parents for all they have done for you. Tell them how you feel and how much they mean to you. People often forget to say, “I love you and you’re important to me.” Tell your parents you care and tell them often.

____________________________

Sources:

http://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.ehow.com

A Mark of Dignity!

Every now and then I get a little obsessive about searching for a significant item that will define not only those style lovers who want to break out of the saturated retail market, but also for those unique individuals who aren’t lured into the greed that is consumerism.

That very ‘thing’ that I have pondered on, is a symbol of lineage, and one that represents not only an individual but a family. A long history of family.

Now, rewind your shadow senses to envisaging yourself on a horse; a large white galloping stallion, bearing a sword, and a signet ring so large you mistake it for a shield! It’s made of gold. It holds your family’s name. Your name. An emblem. And it’s significant and one of a kind. Are you getting this?

The item I’m talking about is indeed the Signet Ring.

Now, the word “signet” is derived from the Latin word “signum”, meaning “sign”. And I must say it is a ’sign of the times’, if I can quote Prince so eloquently, that the savvy consumer is much more interested in individual pieces that are authentic to one-self, instead of the lure of excess that retail is doing so well of late. It seems the world is on ’sale’ at present.

Although we will bring to you the latest, the craziest, the new, the vintage and the unique – if you, my fellow man, are looking for something very ‘you’, then this is that piece of style that is a no-brainer. It’s warrior like, it’s a hero’s statement, it’s a spiritual authority and worn by Kings. Come to think of it, a signet ring represents the 5 Archetypes that we talk about in our e-book; The Inner Man.

No other form of jewellery has played such an important role throughout history; been involved in ancient customs or superstitions like the Signet Ring. Today the Signet Ring is still an iconic piece of jewellery, bestowing the modern day owner with a sense of pride and distinction.

A ring distinguished an individual in a way that other forms of jewellery did not. Finger rings represented the language of social code, and connoted one’s social standing. Under the Empire, the finger ring was still considered a privilege, conferred for military distinction. As time wore on and attitudes changed, the ring was more freely bestowed. Even so, the ring retained its position as a mark of dignity, as a rich ornament, as an important seal, and as a token of betrothal.

The wearing of signet ring in different figure indicates some meaning, if you wear a ring in thumb it indicates sexuality of a man, in forefinger it indicates the ability of a man, in middle finger it shows the man’s influence that he is handsome, wedding finger tells for itself and in little figure it indicates the creative temperament of a man. Sometimes the design impresses into the material of the ruling itself. Signet rings are mentioned in the bible, and are used right up to the present day.

So if you’re a man of elite style, or if you’re just wanting to commence your own personal journey into your heritage, your true inner self and merging the inner and outer man, then this is certainly a piece of jewellery you cannot ignore.

The deathly lure of Porn

Porn. The secret vice of  … “men like me. Not all men, but men like all of us. Men who can’t get a date as well as men who have all the dates they could want. Men who live alone and men who are married. Men who grew up in liberal homes where pornography was never a big deal and men who grew up in strict religious homes in which no talk of sex was allowed. Black and white and brown and any-other-color-you-can-imagine men. Rich men and poor men … ”

Porn. Four letters that carry with them the weight of $97 billion in revenue from the sex industry worldwide and the almost equal burden of ‘getting off’ on lust which quickly slides into guilt, shame, secrecy, self loathing and misplaced search for intimacy in the lives of millions of lives around the world.

We live in a porn-saturated culture. There has been a drastic growth in the demand for and consumption of pornography around the world. The annual turnover of the porn industry in 1972 is estimated to be around 10 million dollars. The corresponding figure for 2010 is almost ten times that amount, (in 1996 it was just $8 billion) and surprise, surprise, a large proportion of the time people spend on the Internet is dedicated to consumption of pornography.

Society tells us that porn isn’t a “big deal” and that “normal people” can use it without negative consequences for themselves, their relationships, and society as a whole. This is the porn myth and men are falling for it hard!

Classic example is the very sad case of baby faced Andy Muirhead – a much loved Australian TV presenter, host of the genteel ABC TV antique show, Collectors, recently charged by Australian Federal Police for allegedly using the Internet to access child pornography. In one foul swoop, he lost his career, his reputation and his standing in the community.

So while sexuality and the erotic are often associated with transgression and freedom, what are they doing to the hearts, souls and lives of men (and women)? How does porn erode our sense of true intimacy and masculinity?

The porn myth

Contemporary youth are well acquainted with pornography. Young people are living in a society where pornography and a commercial market based on sexuality have a strong position. Technological innovation has made the furtive peeps at father’s Playboy an unknown experience for most young people today. Author Robert Jensen, describes in his book, “Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity”,  his own adolescent fascination with pornographic magazines and the lengths to which he and his buddies would go to acquire porn. However what’s available today online – even for free — is infinitely more vivid, infinitely more hardcore, and infinitely more interactive than it was in Jensen’s youth.

And the evidence of this, is the increasing ‘porn creep’ into bedrooms and relationships all over the world. Just yesterday I heard another of the many stories I’ve been privy to recently – a young man demanding that his girlfriend perform the crudest sexual acts in the bedroom, sometimes even inviting strangers into their bed.  Consequently, the young woman in the relationship was left bewildered, wondering why her partner could not enjoy sex without the heightened reliving of a pornographic act he’d seen recently.

Jensen is clear — and he cites others, like Ana Bridges, who has published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy on the impact of men’s porn use on their relationships with wives and girlfriends — that ordinary, everyday guys who would “never actually rape anyone” do indeed have their entire sexuality shaped and distorted through pornography. Jensen asks:

Does habitual use of pornography, especially those movies that feature extreme sex acts, ever give a “good guy” ideas about, and desires for, specific sex acts that are denigrating to women that he otherwise might not have considered?

A great many men look at porn and don’t rape women. But “not-raping” is hardly proof that porn is harmless. There are many ways in which pornography can damage our sexuality short of turning men into rapists.

Some of Jensen’s finest writing comes when he describes porn’s impact on men’s ability to empathize and connect with other human beings:

In my experience, which is also the experience of many men I’ve talked to over the years, we feel ourselves go emotionally numb when viewing pornography and masturbating, what in common parlance might be called “checked out” emotionally. To enter into the pornographic world and experience that intense sexual rush, many of us have to turn off some of the emotional reactions that typically are connected to sexual experience with a real person — a sense of the other’s humanity, an awareness of being present with another person, the recognition of something outside our own bodies. For me, watching pornography produces a kind of emotional numbness, a part of which is a process of objectifying myself.

So why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men?

“The deeper reason is because the seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn’t even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have experienced  … You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recover with her our own lost masculinity.” (Author, John Eldredge).

Yes, that’s true. What man hasn’t sought some woman (real or fictional) for a sense of masculinity at some point in his life?

John Eldredge’s book ‘Wild at Heart’ describes men who so desperately want to feel like men that they end up going to a woman to prove it.

“But the deadliest place a man ever takes his search, the place every man seems to wind up no matter what trail he’s followed, is the woman. A woman is a captivating thing. More captivating than anything else in all creation. … Femininity can arouse masculinity. But femininity can never bestow masculinity.”

“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both. But once he’s given her the ability to make him feel like a man, she can also take away his feeling of masculinity.”

At some point, as a man you have to realise that you can’t run to another man or woman for validation.

However it’s easier said than done. It’s an incredibly difficult thing. Many men look to women to give them that boost, that a chance to “be a man. “If I could just get that first, second, and fifteenth date, I’d be a man.”

But being a player or stud still leaves men empty in terms of “being a man.” Why? Because getting dates, dating a woman, or even getting married to one won’t make you more of a man.

So men run away and indulge in porn, immersing themselves in the images of women who have also given up their own sense of self and identity to please a man far far away.

Whether or not the women who perform in porn are exploited or not, there seems little doubt that the male user of porn, the fellow whose masturbatory reveries are conditioned by images of women being gang-banged or facialized or sodomized, is participating in his own exploitation. His own sense of what he really wants is shaped, distorted, and ultimately replaced by what pornography tells him he ought to want. And he grows a little more numb, a little less human, a little less kind. And as high a price as that is to pay, the price that the women in his life pay is higher still.

One man describes his pain and shame of porn on a blog post*:

“Porn and how I deal with it both numbs hurt from and feeds hurt into my married relationship. When my wife doesn’t want what — or as much – as I want, porn offers escape to a fantasy in which I am entitled to relate to The Woman of My Dreams as I want her to be, rather than as who my Beloved really is in this moment. It lets me disconnect and disregard what’s truly beautiful and trade it for what’s immediately gratifying. Porn’s easy availability and quick gratification erodes my willingness to stay emotionally with her when she doesn’t want what – or as much — as I want. No doubt that, in turn, reinforces her lack of interest in me and what I want. None of this “proves” that life in a world without porn would be any better than what we have here and now. I would still have my human tendency to avoid what’s hard or painful, and I’d probably find other ways to accomplish that.”

Can men rise above pornography and embrace true masculinity?

Eldredge argues that most men spend the energy of their lives trying to eliminate risk, or squeezing it down to a more manageable size.

We run away from our women’s unspoken want for intimacy, from our children’s requests for love, we run away from our bosses’ challenges, and we secure our life against risk, winding up in a cocoon of self protection, wondering all the while why we’re left suffocating.

If our self-protection doesn’t work, we curse God, redouble our effort and consequently our blood pressure.  We indulge in a pornographic sexual haze that allows us to disappear … to run away from true masculinity, to miss the point of what this life is all about!!

Eldredge encourages men to recover their heart’s desire by getting away from the noise and distraction of daily life for time alone with his soul. He urges men to head out into the wilderness, to silence and solitude. Alone with himself, he allows whatever is there to come to the surface. Sometimes it is grief, and beneath that, the sense of desires long forsaken.

In the wilderness, or in solitude, men should try asking themselves:

-        What is written in your heart?

-        What makes you come alive?

-        Will facing my fears, embracing my wife, laughing with my kids, engaging in life and winning over mediocrity, make me more or less of a man?

-        If you could do what you’ve always wanted to, what would it be?

-        What makes you laugh?

-        What brings out the wild man in you?

-        What is your ultimate adventure?

Gents, the MSP crew is dedicated to a healthy, intimate view of sexuality and we believe that it’s only by truly knowing and risking yourself, that you can truly reach out, beyond the lure of pornography to embrace, a real, rich life a fulfilling, shared intimacy and satisfying sexual and committed relationships.

Your calling is written on your heart and your life should be an adventure, where you release control and self-protection for the recovery of dreams in your heart.

A man is never more a man when he embraces an adventure beyond his control, or when he walks into a battle he isn’t sure of winning. But he does it anyway!

_____________

References:

“Hegemonic masculinity and pornography: young people’s attitudes toward and relations to pornography”, The Journal of Men’s Studies – January 01, 2007 | Johansson, Thomas; Hammaren, Nils

Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul – John Eldredge (Author)

Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity”, Robert Jensen (Author)

Men and Masculinity, Porn, Porn and Masculinity Series, Sexual ethics and transformation and Sexuality – Hugo Schwyzer, November 30, 2007*

‘Toy Story 3′ proving emotional for Men

Toy Story 3 is proving to be an emotional rollercoaster for men, writes Tom Teodorczuk.

This just in: The scene is surreal even by the standards of New York, where characters are on every street corner. Amid the stampede of children leaving a Manhattan cinema as the credits roll on Toy Story 3, grown men stagger out of the auditorium wiping tears from behind their 3-D glasses. A few push baseball caps over their heads to mask having cried at the climax of what is a feature-length children’s animation.

Toy Story 3 has cued an outpouring of grief from adults – notably men – not seen at a children’s movie since Bambi’s mother had that ill-fated encounter with hunters in 1942.

The phenomenon of men crying at a family film has kicked off a national debate in online chatrooms and around water coolers. Just what is it about the Disney/Pixar film’s third instalment involving Buzz Lightyear, Woody the cowboy and their toy friends that is leading men to lose control of their emotions? And is it ever OK for men to cry in public?

Andrew Palermo, 37, an Italian-American construction manager, thinks so. When he emerges with his son Frankie, 8, from a cinema in Manhattan’s Upper East Side, both have tears streaming down their faces.

”You expect a Pixar film to treat kids like adults, but that blew me away. It was a deeply moving study about family, friendship, loss and change,” he says. Another young man fighting back the tears says: ”The scene where Lotso [the villainous teddy bear] says toys are just pieces of plastic, meant to be thrown away … that really did it for me.”

To see why men are getting choked up at Toy Story 3, it’s necessary to reveal some plot details. Skip the next paragraph if you don’t want the ending ruined.

With 17-year-old Andy on the cusp of leaving home and going to college, his toys are packed off to the sinister Sunnyside Daycare centre. The toys escape and return just as Andy departs for college. This time, Andy hands his toys to Bonnie, a young neighbour – but not before bidding them an emotional farewell.

The first sign that Toy Story 3 was going to be a rollercoaster for men who never quite got over being separated from their cherished childhood toys came with the critical notices. American reviewers, increasingly merciless about the films they see, confessed in print to blubbing.

Owen Gleiberman, the critic at Entertainment Weekly, wrote: ”When it comes to my reaction to Toy Story 3, I’m not just talking about shedding a tear or two – I’m talking about that soppy, awkward thing where you make sounds.” The Herald’s Paul Byrnes described the film as ”remarkably moving, with a surprising depth of emotion”.

For many men, the empathetic reaction felt by watching a boy let go of prized possessions is compounded by the nostalgia that 21st-century toys are far more state-of-the-art – and less imaginative – than Hamm the piggy bank, Mr Potato Head and Bullseye the horse. The New York Times declared that Toy Story 3 reminds viewers of ”the romance and pathos of the consumer economy, the sorrows and pleasures that dwell at the heart of our materialist way of life”.

Dr Peter Kanaris, a clinical psychologist and public education campaign co-ordinator for the New York State Psychological Association, says men have been taken aback by the poignancy of Pixar’s latest film.

”So many people go to the cinema knowing what to expect, whether it’s a ‘chick flick’ or a ‘guy film’. But Toy Story 3 is really touching men in ways they hadn’t expected.

”A real man is supposed to be strong and not have these kinds of feelings. But touched by the memories of toys, leaving home and a loss of innocence, men are crying freely at it.”

The notion that animated films can impart emotional truths more effectively than their live-action equivalents is supported by Timothy Dalton, the former James Bond actor, who lends his voice to the hedgehog thespian Mr Pricklepants in Toy Story 3.

”What’s great about animation is that everything has such a strong emotional base, in a way that you never could have with people in a live-action film,” he says.

For now, the film’s box office success is such that Pixar and Disney are happy to have men blubbing all the way to their bank.

The Telegraph, London

Are you Shivering? Go to Chiva-Som!

If, for any reason, you’ve been sleeping on the sofa lately, thinking of a luxurious island where you can thaw your body…think no further. Throw off your Hermes blanket and grab your bags; we are about to give you a ticket to heaven!

We know that winter always leaves us feeling sluggish, miserable and shivering. That’s why we are highlighting Chiva-Som. A secluded world of serenity and a name meaning the “Haven of Life” – a luxury health resort dedicated to revitalising the mind, body and spirit.  The beachfront resort represents tranquility at its best with luxurious accommodation, nestled within lush tropical gardens. So to you men out there who are in need of a getaway and a unique one at that – this is it!

Imagine, stepping off your flight (at Bangkok) and being escorted to a limousine where you can enjoy a leisurely 2 hours drive south to the Royal city of Hua Hin – the land of Thailand’s King. (Disclaimer: indulgence awaits you!)

Your greeting is in true Thai style – the leaders in hospitality and grace. Smiling, bowing, and ushering you to your room – all of a sudden you feel like a King! Your Thai Pavilion room is perfectly private, and now you understand why Chiva-Som continues to be voted Best Destination Spa in the World.

This is a health and wellness retreat, where your first day consists of sitting with a consultant and stating your ‘work/life balance’ or lack there of; and being enchanted into the various ways to tip the scales back in your favour. The objective? To relax, and relax some more. Maybe doing a little more relaxing, maybe some de-stressing, and perhaps some more relaxing, stretching, de-toxing, and possibly some water-therapies; all under the compassionate eye of the internationally trained Thai staff.

Chiva-Som is the ‘macho-male’ Mecca for massages, mud baths, meditations, steams, saunas and plunge pools. For you, the Watsu treatment will make you a changed man! The water therapist, Nittaya, will help you stretch and twist your body using the buoyancy of the water in the warm Watsu pool. You’ll be in such a state of serious and deep relaxation, that you’ll forget yourself. (And every now and then it’s good to do that. Even Stig of Style gets over himself once in a while). And note, this is why there is a therapist present. To make sure you don’t drown!

Last month, we stumbled across quite a superb event at Bathers Pavilion, Balmoral – which was highlighting an international award winning spa cuisine for a week long promotion. Investigating further, it turns out that it was the executive chef of Chiva-Som, Paisarn! The fragrant temptation of his Thai gastronomy was just enough for you to book your ticket to Chiva-Som the next day.

For information on Thailand’s award winning resort visit:

www.chiva-som.com

or if in Australia: www.traveltheworld.com.au

Increase Your Performance, Libido and Energy

You know the drill or rather, you hate it. It’s Friday night and you’re dead tired. It’s been a hellish week at work, you’ve had late nights trying to catch up with work, then attending a series of monotonous networking socials with workmates or clients. Or perhaps that project you’ve been working till midnight for the last month just got tanked and nailed by management and the powers that be – and you can’t give a toss because you’re not enjoying your job anymore.

Maybe you’re traveling with work away from home too much and hate airline food, your bills keep piling up while the bank balance nosedives, your wife or partner is upset by something or the other,  the kids don’t recognise you and even “nice doggie” snarls in your direction when you walk through door.

You don’t have the energy for sex and when you do, the aforementioned wife/partner doesn’t want to indulge you because you haven’t had enough time for bonding and building intimacy.

Your belly’s sagging over your pants, your eyes are bloodshot, your face is hollow and strained, you’re breathing funny, you’re avoiding the doctor’s chair and the last time you visited a gym was Before Christ.

You’re stressed and to be honest, somewhat depressed and distressed.

To relieve the strain, you reach out for the old trusted bottle of Jack Daniels and indulge yourself in a tot or two, or three.

Or you choose to spend the Friday night partying like a teenager and drowning your sorrows in alcoholic daze in the vain hopes of forgetting all your problems. Problem is they’re still there the next day.

Alright gentlemen, it’s time for a health and wellbeing check. Yes indeed. Sometimes the crazy pace of everyday life can mean we often forget to stop and take stock of our wellbeing, and instead we find ourselves trying to manage stress and weariness in harmful ways.

If you’re overly stressed, then you need to do whatever you can, because life’s too short to be a candidate for a Betty Ford clinic or a triple bypass.

How can you better improve your performance so you can always be at your peak, both mentally and physically, everyday?

A great way to boost your energy level is to increase fluid intake and make sure you’re well-hydrated – that makes a difference to our cells, circulation and energy. If we’re deficient in water, we need to draw it from somewhere else. And normally it’s from the bowel or other cells that are considered non-essential. That’s why people feel constipated and they become sluggish. Water gets your brain and heart into gear – it affects our mental functioning.

Another tip is to eat a broad variety of foods. Some men get stuck in their ways and stick to potatoes and meat. We should include more fish to make sure we get the oils needed for every cell in the body. Lifting energy and not becoming fatigued helps men with their quality of life and their relationships.

What are the essential nutritional needs of men that can boost performance?

Men tend to miss out on their vegetables. Vegetables are a great source of B-vitamins, and they also give us our fibre, which prevents us from becoming constipated and keep us moving.  How do they help exactly? They:

• Support energy production;
• Support exercise performance;
• May support the maintenance and repair of muscle tissue; and
• Are traditionally used to relieve stress and may assist male sexual performance.

So to enhance your energy and get those extra nutrients and vitamins, eat your veggies!

How can you tackle low libido?

Firstly, look closely at the types of medication you’re on – particularly if they are feeling fatigued and their energy is low. Depression can be a cause as well – it affects your energy and sleep. Essentially it’s locking yourself in a prison: even though you’re expressing something on the outside, it may not be the way you feel on the inside. So people who are depressed tend to attack themselves in some way and it brings down their confidence.

Part of libido is how you feel: attitudes towards sex and towards yourself. It’s also a creative expression. Libido is instinctual – it could be an attraction or feeling of desire. But depending on how you use it, it can be transformed into something creative. It might come out through your art, music or sport. We can use that drive and energy for other things, not just for sex. 

What is the best way to treat low libido?

Keeping everything flowing and getting good nutrition. In terms of herbs, tribulis is a big one. It has been shown to increase testosterone in men and works very well. And ‘withania’ is another one for libido – in India it is known as the ‘herb of one hundred husbands’. It works as a tonic, or an ‘adaptogen’, which allows us to adapt and deal with stress, and it also has a relaxing effect. Other favourites are Korean and Siberian ginseng.

Stress is also something that really needs to be dealt with when addressing low libido and stamina. Look at the things you can do to reduce stress. Take time out for yourself and exercise. Exercise lets us burn off the extra stress hormones we have, and also gives us time to process things. We recommend exercising without music for that very reason. Get some fresh air and be with your thoughts.

Find something that helps you to relax. Yoga is fantastic for the stretching and exercise. Often you’re in a room full of beautiful women as well! I often give that as a tip to men: if you’re single, go to yoga class – you’ll get a lot out of it, and you might even meet someone there.

Massage is another great thing for stress relief. It’s often the only time people really take time out for themselves. Just 1-1½ hours, just for you. To recharge and take a break from the stimulation that surrounds us. People see it as a pampering thing when it’s not – it is essential.

Are there any foods that are good for lifting libido?

Zinc rich foods are good. Including nuts in the diet is very important – pumpkin seeds contain the right minerals for libido performance and a source of fats, too, particularly the ones we tend to be deficient in. Almonds are known as the ‘king of nuts’ because of their zinc, magnesium and omega-6 content. Cashews and good also, as are avocados – more so for the fatty acids.

Magnesium is often something we can be deficient in, too. This is important for energy production and blood sugar levels. It also helps us to relax the body and eases muscle tension. Try taking vitamin supplements with magnesium to help boost your overall performance.

Other key health tips for men:

A. Prostrate checks – prostrate cancer is one of the biggest killers of men so please dudes, make sure you see your doctor for a full health check annually to make sure you’re on top of the game.

B. Heart health & cholesterol levels – don’t let bad cholesterol sneak up on you and rob you of your lifeblood literally. Keep that ticker going strong for as long as you can with healthy exercise, moderate drinking, clinically proven supplements such as OmegaGen Cardio and overall healthy eating!

You’re important dude, so stay healthy, keep in shape and live the best life you can!!

A Guy’s Guide to being a Man’s Man

That classic line from ‘The Godfather’, circa 1972, seems like a far cry to our modern times; which are a surely changing. Think about it – global warming, eco-vigilance, stock market rollercoaster rides, terrorism and the growing threat of fullscale WW3 in the Middle East, China’s growing domination and the waning of Western democratization. Yes indeed, the world is dealing with menopause or shall we say, for the sake of this site, a major mid-eternity crisis, if there’s anything like it.

However, instead of quivering in our shoes and hiding out in bunkers, these unprecedented days call for leadership and justice. It exactly times like these, gentlemen, that we need to listen to Don Corleone’s words and seriously act and lead like men.

But what does it mean to act like a real man? One fella has the answer, or so he says.

“We’re not talking about the touchy–feely, ultra–sensitive, emotion–sharing, version of manhood that talk show hosts have been spouting for years. We’re talking about the tough, smart, confident, charming, classy, all–around good fella that upholds the true ideal of what is known as ‘a man’s man’.”

These wise words are Frank Vincent’s, the Wise Guy’s Wise Guy who’s played more wise guys in more mob movies than you can shake a loaded gun at – Billy Batts in Martin Scorsese’s mob classic Goodfellas and Johnny Sack’s captain Phil Leotardo on HBO’s The Sopranos. Vincent could be perceived as old fashioned, but dudes ‘what goes around comes around’ and now more than ever, men need to stand up and be men, especially as the world alarmingly becomes a stage for namby pamby men who can’t or won’t be faithful to their other halves, chase celebrity and status for its own sake (whatever happened to discretion??), throw away life long sports or business careers for a quick bribe, lie and hide behind alcohol and drugs, and can’t be held to their promises.

In his first published book – ‘A Guy’s Guide to being a Man’s Man’ – Vincent gives us his version of how any man can be all that he can be in love, work, play, and life. He advocates the “bad boy with a good heart” i.e. an exciting, self assured, mysterious, confident even flamboyant man who lives dangerously, yet loves passionately and 100% monogamously, treats everyone with respect, dresses like a champ, knows how to eat and cook like a man, etc.

Funny, straightforward and honest, the book is peppered with anecdotes and great one liners like, “Being a man’s man is all about how you handle all the situations that come your way in life”, “A man’s man can be wearing the best clothes, sitting in the most expensive restaurant, drinking fine wine with the most beautiful woman, but if a man’s man does not treat everyone around him with respect, then he’s not a real man’s man. He’s a jerkoff in a good suit” and “A man’s man always leaves a good impression”.

Simply written (wise guys do not laureates make), Vincent covers topics like the right movies for a “man’s man” to watch, including lists on the best westerns, war, sports, and of course, gangster flicks. There’s even a section on “chick flicks.” It simply reads, “I don’t think so.”

On music, Vincent rates a top 15 “man’s man” musicians which include the usual suspects like Sinatra and Tony Bennett, as well as such unlikely inclusions as Bruce Springsteen and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. (“His lips have been a helipad for some of the most beautiful women in the world” – another brilliant one liner.)

Vincent also rates the best driving songs, and — of course — the best (Chris Issak’s “Wicked Game”) and worst (Jimmy Buffet’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and …”) songs to make love by.

Vincent keeps dishing it out, from what a “man’s man” eats, and drinks (real men prefer martinis and only imported beer) to the way he dresses, accessorizes, and grooms himself – be sure to get those nails clipped and manicured, keep yourself clean and brush those teeth fellas, to what he drives ( he recommends a Monday-to-Friday utility vehicle and a weekend car, preferably a low slung sports car).

He covers all the bases in A Guy’s Guide To Being A Man’s Man. And speaking of bases, you’ll never make it past the first one without reading the essential advice here on how to get her digits, and better still how to choose the right woman for life.

This wise guy doesn’t just “talk the talk,” he “walks the walk” – both on and off screen, and it’s clear he never forgets those who believed in and supported him. Tony Soprano himself, James Gandolfini, wrote the introduction to Vincent’s book, and there are also some great interviews here with Vincent’s “man’s man” pals like Steven Van Zandt, James Caan, and Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore.

Being a man’s man will definitely take you places. Just as long as you remember Vincent’s very en-pointe advice: A man’s man never loses his head, no matter how ‘big’ he gets.

“A Guy’s Guide to being a Man’s Man” is available on Amazon.com

Bear Grylls is Wild at Heart

His name alone evokes the fierce, the untapped and the unruly. He encompasses all that’s male, wild and free. He’s stolen the prize from Ernest Hemingway and the medal from Rambo and any SAS/special forces touting man as the mythical adventurer who’s larger than life and living THE life that all men secretly wish they were.

He is Bear Grylls. Wild at Heart.

His die hard fans are email warriors trapped in their tiny 4×4 cubicles, fighting weary, spiteful battles of wit and backstabbing while longing for the wide, open savannah, or deep jade forests to wander through freely; conquering, pillaging and eating the heads off dangerous rattle snakes. Every week in living rooms in the western hemisphere, dudes congregate in droves around their plasma screens in the relative safety of their padded settees, tweeting each other with delight and hooting at the screen with their sons on their laps, watching in wonder as Bear lunges headlong into a beehive and emerges with a swollen face from the rapid fire stings carrying a large honeycomb as his prize.

Edward Michael Grylls, nicknamed ‘Bear’ by his sister, (born 7 June 1974) is a British adventurer, writer and television presenter best known for his television series Born Survivor, known as Man vs. Wild in the United States, Canada, Australia and New Zealand.

He is one of the youngest Britons to climb Mount Everest, doing so at age 23. In July 2009, Grylls was appointed the youngest ever Chief Scout at the age of 35. After leaving school, Grylls considered joining the Indian Army and spent a few months hiking in the Himalayan mountains of Sikkim and West Bengal, Assam. From 1994 to 1997, after passing United Kingdom Special Forces Selection, he served in the part-time United Kingdom Special Forces Reserve, with 21 Regiment Special Air Service, 21 SAS(R), as a trooper, survival instructor and Patrol Medic.

Got to love Bear! But instead of envy this man who’s Eton educated, learned to climb and sail at an early age, earned a second dan black belt in Shotokan karate as a teenager practices yoga and ninjitsu, speaks English, Spanish, and French and is a happily married christian with three sons: Jesse, Marmaduke, and Huckleberry (big breath), we ought to celebrate him even more. Why? For having the courage to step out of the conventional!

His heart stopping, adrenaline packed TV show, features Grylls climbing cliffs, parachuting from helicopters, balloons, and planes, paragliding, ice climbing, running through a forest fire, wading rapids, eating snakes, wrapping his urine-soaked t-shirt around his head to help stave off the desert heat, drinking urine saved in a rattlesnake skin, drinking fecal liquid from elephant dung, wrestling alligators, field dressing a camel carcass and drinking water from it, eating various “creepy crawlies” [insects], turning the corpse of a sheep into a sleeping bag and flotation device, and free climbing waterfalls. Grylls also regales the viewer with tales of adventurers stranded or killed in the wilderness. Buyer beware!

The show has galvanised the imagination of many for the wild and resurrected an interest in men to be explorers, adventurers – even if it’s of their own backyard. I now know of men who are taking up spear fishing, rock climbing and trekking as a result of Man Vs Wild. It’s a revolution that’s healthy and much needed …

What Bear Grylls has done for the male psyche in the post modern, high tech, gadget swamped world we live in, is remind men that they were made to be WILD and FREE. He’s given men permission to be men, especially at a time when many have felt emasculated by feminism and lost in lives of despair, especially the malicious, dog eat dog arena that is today’s clean, corporate, murderous blue chip world. (Please note MSP is not anti corporate, we’re just observers of the link between men denying their true nature and their high levels of dissatisfaction, even times depression at their lot in life … if only more men had the courage to be wild!!)

What other crazy things has Bear Grylls attempted? Here a few more teasers:

In 2000, Grylls circumnavigated the UK on a personal watercraft or jet ski, a trip that took about 30 days, to raise money for the Royal National Lifeboat Institution (RNLI).

In 2003, he crossed the North Atlantic and battling gale force winds, hypothermia, icebergs and storms in an eleven-metre-long boat through some of the most treacherous stretches of water in the world including the Labrador Sea, the Denmark Strait, and the stretch made famous by the film, The Perfect Storm.

In 2005, Grylls led the first team ever to attempt to paramotor over the remote jungle plateau of the Angel Falls in Venezuela, the world’s highest waterfall.

In 2005, alongside the balloonist and mountaineer David Hempleman-Adams and Lieutenant Commander Alan Veal, leader of the Royal Navy Freefall Parachute Display Team, Grylls created a world record for the highest open-air formal dinner party, which they did under a hot-air balloon at 25,000 feet, dressed in full mess dress and oxygen masks. To train for the event, he made over 200 parachute jumps.

In 2007, Grylls claimed to have broken a new world record by flying a Parajet paramotor over the Himalayas, higher than Mount Everest. Grylls took off from 14,500 feet, 8 miles south of the mountain. Grylls reported looking down on the summit during his ascent and coping with temperatures of −60 °C. He endured dangerously low oxygen levels and eventually reached 29,500 feet, almost 10,000 feet higher than the previous record of 20,019 feet.

Bear Grylls. Hear him ROAR!!!! (Now go do some roaring yourself. Find a mate and go fishing for a shark or something … go on … you know you want to!)

Success and The Art of Negotiation

Alternate title: ‘Getting what you want in life’!!

My day job has recently been quite full on – I’m rolling out two huge ad campaigns for two large brands at the same time, and the process of making that happen has been taxing, to say the least, on my brain and wellbeing!!!

To get the job done well, has become a series of negotiations – between my client and I, members of my team with others in the agency, my suppliers and the production manager, myself with other agencies; the list is endless.

I’ve used different tactics to get my campaign over the line: soothing and placating the client, requesting but never demanding results from my team and suppliers, remaining polite yet firm with all the ****heads at the partner agencies who can’t seem to understand that 2+2=4 and sometimes losing my temper (off the phone of course) after another unreasonable request from a clueless client.

Negotiating your way through life WELL, gents seems to be the difference between those who seem to make it in life smoothly and those who are always getting roadblocked in life.

Most men (and women) in life who aren’t equipped with the social and emotional intelligence to read the ‘mood’ of people, events and circumstances find themselves getting constantly frustrated with the ‘unspoken’ rules of social engagement – they are, in essence, poor negotiators. They find it hard to – bargain for salaries and better pay; earn more respect at home and in the workplace; and they struggle in relationships because they don’t know how to ask for what they want.

Nelson Mandela, probably one of the world’s most famous leaders, is a great example of how far the skill of negotiation can take you. This remarkable legend who most single-handedly turned the tide against apartheid, is a strong believer in negotiation. “(I) attach importance to dialogue, the solving problems through negotiation. It is an art which requires a great deal of vision and strength of character…”

During his 27 years of imprisonment the government offered to release him several times without the promise of a peace agreement, but each time he turned it down. “Only free men can negotiate. Prisoners cannot enter into contracts…,” he maintained.

He has a point; only free men can negotiate, and until you are truly empowered with the right skills and methods of negotiating your way through life, you are essentially in a mental prison.

Former Chrysler chairman Lee Iacocca once noted, “You can have brilliant ideas; but if you can’t get them across, your ideas won’t get you anywhere.” The book, ‘The Art of Woo: Using Strategic Persuasion to Sell Your Ideas’ provides a systematic approach to the art of negotiation and persuasion.

It tells the story of rock star Bono’s visit to then-U.S. Senator Jesse Helms’ Capitol Hill office to enlist his help in the global war against AIDS.

Bono had all the facts and figures at his fingertips, and launched into a detailed appeal based on the data. He was, in essence, speaking to Helms the same way he had recently spoken to executives and technical experts at the many foundations and corporations he had approached about this issue. But within a few minutes, Bono sensed that he was losing Helms’ attention, and he instinctively changed his pitch. Knowing that Helms was a deeply religious man (and drawing on his own born-again Christian values), Bono began speaking of Jesus’ concern for the sick and poor. He argued that AIDS should be considered the 21st century equivalent of leprosy, an affliction cited in many Bible stories of the New Testament. Helms sat up and began listening, and before the meeting was over had promised to be the Senate champion for Bono’s cause.

Examples such as this one illustrate what the authors mean by “woo”—the ability to win others over to your ideas without coercion, using relationship-based, emotionally intelligent persuasion.

“The rock star Bono is superb at the art of woo because he understands what it takes to be a super-salesman, in the best sense of that term. Here you have a rock star with tinted glasses and an elderly, conservative Southern senator. But when Bono had the good sense to switch from public policy talk about debt relief—what we call in our book the ‘rationality’ channel—to religious talk about poverty and disease—what we call the ‘vision’ channel—he touched Helms’ heart. He sold his idea and, in the process, created trust.”

The word “woo,” the authors note, has many meanings, but all of them relate to focusing on the person you are trying to persuade more than on your own needs and fears.

“There is the obvious meaning related to courtship and romance but there is also the more general idea of wooing people to seek their support.” However “woo” may be defined, the authors argue that effectively selling ideas—using persuasion rather than force—is one of the most important skills that everyone from CEOs and entrepreneurs to team leaders and mid-level managers need to learn if they want to be effective in their organisations.

‘The Art of Woo’ presents a simple, four-step approach to the idea-selling process.

1. Polish your ideas and survey the social networks that will lead them to decision makers.

To illustrate this step, Shell and Moussa recount how an unknown mail pilot named Charles Lindbergh turned his dream of being the first person to fly nonstop across the Atlantic into a reality. His idea was radical: He would make the crossing in a single-engine plane, flying without a co-pilot or even a life raft. The idea was followed by his campaign to overcome people’s disbelief that such a venture could ever work and to win over supporters in his hometown of St. Louis, Missouri. Lindbergh started with contacts at the local airport who could see why his plan made sense and eventually worked his way up to the most influential businessmen in the city, using each person along the way to leverage an interview with the next. The rest is history.

2. Confronting “the five barriers”—the five most common obstacles that can sink ideas before they get started.

These include unreceptive beliefs, conflicting interests, negative relationships, a lack of credibility, and failing to adjust one’s communication mode to suit a particular audience or situation.

For example, when Napoleon was a young officer at the siege of Toulon, he set up an artillery battery in such a dangerous location that his superiors thought he would never get troops to man it. They would have been right had Napoleon relied on conventional threats and orders to get his way. Instead, he demonstrated his social intelligence by switching to the visionary channel and creating a large placard that was placed next to the cannons. It read: “The Battery of the Men without Fear.” The position was manned night and day.

Similarly, when Nelson Mandela was incarcerated on the notorious Robben Island in South Africa, he learned the guards’ Afrikaans language and reading their literature, earning their respect and winning them over to his idea of fair treatment, even as he continued to face hostility from the officials who ran the prison.

3. The third stage is to pitch your idea in a compelling way.

At Google, employees selling ideas to upper management are given a challenge: to distill their business concepts into short, punchy presentations that get right to the essence of what they are proposing. This discipline forces them to figure out exactly what problem their idea addresses, how their idea will solve it and why their idea is better than both the status quo and available alternatives.

4. The final stage of ‘Woo’ is to secure both individual and organisational commitments.

“One of the most common mistakes people make in selling ideas is to think that their job is finished once they succeed in getting someone to say ‘yes’ to their proposal. That’s only the beginning. Research shows that in most organisations, a minimum of eight people will need to sign off on even simple ideas. The number goes up from there. So after you move the individual, you also have to move the organisation.”

The authors suggest that everyone can benefit from improving their skills at the art of persuasion. “Influencing others …. to accept and act on your ideas is a challenge that never goes away.”

If you’re struggling in this area, MenStylePower encourages you to take this lesson further and enrol in a negotiation seminar OR get a few books on the topic.

The Art of Woo: Using Strategic Persuasion to Sell Your Ideas, authored by G. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa, can be found on Amazon.com or try your local book retailer.

* Excerpts from an article that originally appeared on Knowledge@Wharton, the online business journal of the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania.

A dude’s guide to online dating

“Men no longer have clear-cut cues on how to treat a woman, and the mixed messages they get from the media and women themselves can often leave them questioning what to do …” says Andrew Irwin-Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University.*

This is especially true in the new and uncharted territory of online dating. Cyber love is fresh to most men, and the do’s and don’ts of the e-love process can be very confusing.  Lest our fellow dudes continue to make embarrassing blunders and then angrily pull down their profiles from online dating sites, murmuring angrily that it doesn’t work, here are a few tips to help you make the right e-connection.

Online Dating Tip 1:

Get a life. The best thing you can ever do for yourself is to build an amazing life – for more on how to attract your dream woman by being a dream man, read our post on what it takes, right HERE.

Online Dating Tip 2:

Your profile pic says a million words about you. Dudes, seriously – sweaty, shirtless, hugging a can of beer in one paw and a cig in the other does not a great online dating pic make!! Clean-shaven, nice shirt and a casual relaxed smile is a brilliant start. And avoid the shirtless, muscle show-off look because it’s not all you’ve got to offer. At least let her dream about your bod and eventually discover your pecs in private.

Online Dating Tip 3:

The best profiles are funny, honest and real. Don’t label yourself ‘VERYFITANDSUCCESSFUL’ or ‘SXYHOTTIE’. That’s overkill. How about your just your first name or nickname? Simple is as simple does, and women prefer humble men any day to men they suspect are overly boosting themselves to get across the line.

Online Dating Tip 4:

Don’t doctor your CV. She’ll soon smell that very stinky rat. Be real. If you’re 5’5 in height, don’t advertise yourself as having a half inch more then fudge an explanation later on when she meets you and stares down at your cranium in her heels. One story we heard is of a dude who turned out to be rather vertically challenged (had advertised himself as 5’11) and then thought the lady would buy his explanation that we (all) shrink as we grow older and that he’d been much taller when he joined the site. Dude! An inch lost every six months?

Online Dating Tip 5:

Remember that the people you encounter online are just that … people, not headless chooks. So be kind with your words and show respect for yourself and them in all your communication. And if someone offends you online, either quietly delete their message and keep walking, or tell them firmly that they are out of line. Most decent, sane people will respect your boundaries.

Online Dating Tip 6:

Youspeakaenglish? No matter what language you’re communicating in, please be clear, concise and spell correctly. If you’re serious about finding your ladylove online, treat the process like you would a job interview. Always put forward the best IN YOU.

Online Dating Tip 7:

If you message a lady and she doesn’t respond, take it like a man and move on. Unless you’re a desperate stalker, of course.

Online Dating Tip 8:

If she gives you her number, text or message her first with a ‘Hi, when’s a good time to call?’ first – and don’t call her right there & then after you open her email/message with her number i.e. 1am!

Online Dating Tip 9:

Call when you say you’ll call. Following through with what you’ve promised to do says a lot about your character. Overcome your fear of rejection. If you’ve followed the steps above you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find a lot more women will be open to your attention.

Online Dating Tip 10:

Don’t take it all too seriously. A woman can tell when you’re getting desperate – it’ll ooze out in the endless messages you’ll send her pleading to call you back and the “Can I see you right now? I’ve-got-no-life” pitiful petitions.

Online Dating Tip 11:

Less is more upfront. Don’t expect explosions on date 1. Give yourself at least 2-3 dates before chemistry kicks in (or out).

Online Dating Tip No 12:

If you’ve dated the girl for more than twice and decide not to continue, please let her know. Be a gentleman. Don’t keep her guessing.

In all, online dating is like anything in life:

- You have to keep working at it until you get what you’re after. Marriage or finding a life partner is probably one of the most important decisions you’re going to make in life so why rush the process or skip the important steps.

- The best things in life are free – i.e. paying hefty fees for love is sacrilegious, so avoid those sites that are too hard to navigate and charge you hefty fees for the privilege of your taking their 1001 steps to contacting someone.

- A great person is worth the wait. Try online dating for at least six months before throwing in the towel. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you do eventually find your dream girl. So be patient.

- Don’t give up on love and turn to meaningless, soul-destroying sexual encounters. Remember that you are (if you’ve worked on yourself) an amazing dude who deserves to live the fullest life possible and that includes being in a wonderful, rich and fulfilling relationship.

- And finally, get rid of baggage and always look & feel your best. It adds confidence and swagger. Good luck dudes! We believe in you!

* Quote from : Psych Central – http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/02/16/men-clueless-of-dating-etiquette/11486.html